Saturday, February 1, 2014
I've been struck by the feeling that none of the decisions I'm making have any ounce of originality.
Suddenly my preferences toward art, literature, my major, clothing, hair styles, and television shows are under intense scrutiny. By my own self. Which is weird. But I'm like: "Do I like this book because someone told me that they hated it?" or "Do I like this book because someone told me that it was the BEST?!" or "Do I like this book because I actually like it?" honestly. It's becoming a problem for me.
And so now I'm rethinking every decision I've ever made in the past. So. There it is. Now, all of this brought me to the realization that I have no idea what I want to do from here. Where I want to go from here. Honestly, all I see is a black abyss. Like I'm just sitting there looking out over nothing. Just darkness. And frankly, I'm terrified of that. WHO JUST DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT TO DO WITH THEIR LIFE?
Also, I found out that I have to present a paper on my least favorite author in a conference.
I told my teacher I wasn't down and he just kind of looked at me, stunned.
But then roughly 90% of the class came forward and agreed with me so now he's like: "WEEELLLLLLLLLLL.. this is awkward."But then this got me to thinking: how can an English major NOT like an author (yeah, that's what is still on my mind not the part about how incredibly awkward and weird my professor is)? Is that allowed?? I don't think it is. English. What kind of a major is that? Like.... Am I ever going to get a job? Because I don't want to be a teacher or a writer. SOOOO... what does that leave? Yep, you guessed it. Nothing. Nada. Nill.
But I think I've decided to just sit here in my bittersweet melancholy and try to come to terms with all of it. Cause there's gotta be light at the end of the tunnel right? There has to be like a silver ray of hope.... Like light in the abyss. There has got to be a job I can get and that I will love. Maybe one day I'll wake up and know exactly what I want. Let's hope that day is like tomorrow.
Also here's a picture of what my life looks like at the moment.
Honestly, can you imagine me just standing on this cliff side?
Ye-he-he-he-eah... Fat chance.