Wednesday, July 30, 2014

the perks of being gloomy

One of my favorite things is to ask people the following question:
Have you ever been so incredibly and perfectly happy that you almost feel sad?
Most times, I get puzzled looks followed quickly by looks of deep concentration and usually they agree. 
Let me explain my reasoning before I lose you all. 
The sadness and melancholia is due to the fact that I know that I will never be that happy again (or it will just be a WHILE before I feel such bliss again), and that there is just not enough time to soak it all up. There is not enough time for it to consume me and there is certainly not enough time for me to appreciate it. 
Like I said, these days are few and far between and sneak up on you almost out of nowhere. But, my oh my, are they wonderful. 
I enjoy these types of days so immensely and I wait for them so impatiently that I didn't even think about switching that question around. 
Have you ever been so incredibly and perfectly sad that you almost feel happy?
Cue the puzzled looks. 
I know it sounds crazy. I'm sure some of you are still trying to figure out the first one. 
I can honestly tell you that I had never thought about it... until today. 
Bear with me, here, as I dive into my thoughts and feelings of the last few days. 
Recently, I have been feeling detached and - if we're being honest - a little invisible. Not in the extreme depression sense, just a little out of the loop. And shockingly, it's been refreshing. I've kept to myself and really just explored who I really am. But after a while it started feeling frustrating and hopeless. All I want is to figure myself out and get my life together, ya know? Growing up is hard work. 
But today... OH TODAY. 
I woke up and felt right. You catching my drift? 
For the first time in days I felt my whole world shifting back into place. And not in a place I really recognized, but I knew was good. Like a new place that is so happy and is so perfect. 
Guys I know how crazy this sounds. Stay with me for a little longer. 
I just felt at peace. And there's no question that there has been some serious help from my Heavenly Father, because DUH. I tell you what, there was a lot of help from Him in various forms: scriptures, family, friends (I have the best friends and family), neighbors, ward members, the list goes on and on. And I am so incredibly thankful for Him and all he does for me. I can't even put into words how undeniably thankful I am to Him for today. 
With that said, today was a day I have been needing for some time now. 
So, yes. I have been so incredibly and perfectly sad that I felt happy! 
And now that I'm reflecting on it, I realize that "sad" is the wrong word. "Gloomy" will do much better. 
Preface: I run the risk of sounding like an extreme hippie but who cares. 
I got up and immediately started reading a book I have had my eyes on for some time now. Good time to get your pen and paper out to jot down this title. Honestly, it will change your whole life. 
"The Diving Bell and The Butterfly" 
Without ruining the entire thing, I will tell you that the editor of French Elle wrote the most poignant and beautifully tragic memoir about losing control of his entire life, quite literally. 
It was EXACTLY what I needed. It was the perspective I have been looking for. While Jean-Dominique Bauby's circumstances are extreme, I realized in reading this book that I have taken for granted a lot life's simple pleasures. So as I continued to live out my day I celebrated the simple things.
I opened my window and allowed the aroma of the rain-drenched trees to flow inside my stuffy room. I dusted off my forgotten record player and found some vinyl in which the artist poetically composed something that reached inside me and perfectly expressed what I'd been feeling. I remembered my lowest moment and discovered how far I have truly come. I let myself feel helpless and afraid and then allowed myself to recognize just how content I really am.  
I had the most splendidly gloomy day filled with all of my favorite things (besides donuts). 
Now as I sit here, on my gloriously comfy bed, listening to Paul McCartney singing my most favorite song of all time ("Hey Jude") behind the scratchy sound of needle meeting vinyl, I am secretly hoping for you all to experience one of these days. Because it is the most therapeutic and phenomenal experience. 
Read that book and listen to the "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" soundtrack (that's the one that I was listening to earlier). Or do whatever you need to do to enjoy the little things. 
You'll thank me later. 
Now I am off to write some letters and look at some pictures.
Love love. 


P.S. I'm pretty sure the hippies were on the right track. Peace and love. LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED.

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